The Zen of Insurance

One of the things that I haven’t talked about much, since there’s so much prayer, healing energy and dedicated action to taking care of Michaela, is some of the nuts and bolts stuff like having vehicle and health insurance, and the role they’ve been playing. 

The day that I signed up for my insurance policies, I didn’t fully appreciate was I was signing up for and what the choices would later mean. To be truthful, I feel like I’m pretty much like anyone one else. I got it, not really expecting to ever have to “Really,” use it. My relationship with my agents has been pretty normal. They run through the numbers and I treated them like we were just pushing paper. I wasn't trying to get the least, but I wasn't trying to get the most either. I’ve had the opportunity through this situation and understand that in a weird way, they’ve been my “Lifeguards.” The titanic went down and under the circumstances, you know you’re gonna get dinged up, but you don’t have to drown. That’s my reality. This post is about how I’ve come to see it that way. 

As the bills continue to roll in, the numbers are at more than 250,000.00, and climbing. We have on-going medical visits, physical therapy and I’m not even going to talk about medication bills. Unless you’ve in it, you really have no idea what the ride is like. I’ve never known anything like this. The person who caused the crash’s insurance is supposed to be responsible. The only problem with that is that it turns out that based on investigations by my vehicle insurance company, they have none. How do they know that? They have special investigative teams. They did that work not me. I wouldn’t even know where to start, much less be able to afford getting the “Right,” person to track the information down. There’s also the issue of rates with the hospitals for procedures. During this whole ordeal, and given the time sensitivity, no one is exactly offering us pricing on various tests and medical procedures. It’s straight up decision making on what we felt would be best for Michaela in the long-run. We only got the numbers later, to see what the financial result of those choices have been. It’s my kids life, so-be-it.

But the agents/lifguards, and others working for them, have been helping us every step of the way. I get calls at least twice a week from them, checking on things and making sure that Michaela has everything that she needs, for the best possible outcome. They keep us up-to-date on the business end of things, letting us know what’s getting paid, what’s in the que, investigation results and more. Wow. I wasn’t expecting the insurance companies to hold our hands through this in such a way. They’ve proven to be way more than “Clerks,” who just want insurance premium. All of them have been on point, available and helpful. And because they’re handling that part that’s way over my head anyway,  I don’t have to worry about and keep my body and mind trained as much it can on the events at hand. Will I have more out of pocket expenses at the end? Yes. But it’s not going to be for wherever the final bill lands. That’s the point of insurance. You’re going get hit, but at least you’ll be able to stand up, when it’s all over. I’m thankful for that. 

If you don’t have health insurance, I encourage you strongly to get it. It you own a vehicle and don’t have insurance, you need to have it. The line, “It’s not always you, sometimes it’s the other guy,” is totally true. Insurance companies and the people that work for them are like I said, a kind of “Lifeguard.” It’s no joke. None of us are bulletproof against reality. None of us have an exemption. The Zen of insurance is that they have the ability to take broken situations and be a part of what unifies and helps to heal them. If it ain’t practical, it’s not spiritual.

Learning Life With Love & Respect,

~Jaye Seiho 淸峰 Morris

Shogyomujo Part Seventeen

When I was in Ohio last weekend, I received a series of cards, from my Sponsor and many others that I feel are related to me on a family level. I didn't open them at the time and read them all. There was something in me that said wait, so I only read one. Other than listening to my intuition, I don't know why I did it, at first, but I found out later. 

On Monday Michaela went to see her orthopedic surgeon. After new scans and x-rays, we got news that we didn't want to hear. Her hand is not healing in the way her doctor had hoped. Based on what was happening her doctor was going to call the physical therapist and see if they were truly up to the challenge and could give her the services needed. The doctor also gave her other exercises to do. And while they were up at AI DuPont, I was on the phone with instance company talking with a case manager and continuing the process of filling out paperwork, for a new type of split Michaela was going to need and to be fitted for. 

On Tuesday, I was sitting in my car, on a conference call with someone from the Department of Justice, discussing the court case and what they were thinking. What she said was, "We know this is a horrible situation for you and your family, but we want to offer him a deal, to guarantee that he will be in the Adult court system rather than Juvenile court. It would boil down to three changes. We'd take the vehicle assault from 1st Degree to 2nd Degree. There would be the failure to possess insurance, and they either have it or they don't and that determines how that charge goes for them. And the last is DWI. The result is that the judge would probably give him probation, with random drug screening. There was a case very similar to this one. We tried the same thing. We go for the waiver hearing, we could possibly lose, since he has no prior record. Giving him the deal, but this is what we're thinking."

I told the person from the DOJ, "You guys are Santa Clause and it's a very generous gift, to someone who'd posting picture on the internet of the weed he's still smoking and he appears to have not missed a beat. When you all talked with him, he and his mother left you with the impression that Michaela walked out of the hospital at the same time that he did, and you didn't realize the severity of what had happened to our daughter. Essentially, he lied to you. You're not even mandating addictions treatment. You want us to agree to a deal, with a person who's done all that and their attitude hasn't changed by 1 inch. There's something wring with that."

After that, I asked her, "Where do I go for a deal? We're grateful Michaela is still with us. Michaela and I have something that she calls the "Routine." I go in, wake her up. I take her blood-suger level. I go in the kitchen and start breakfast for her. I come back, and begin giving her medications. I help to get her going and we talk about what's hurting, what's not, and picking goals for the day. I get her to where she's going for school. I have someone with her, that I'm now able to pay, thanks to the fundraiser, held a few weeks ago on a daily basis. Then we have physical therapy and usually get to a meeting. Her mother stops by, takes off one neck and upper body brace and puts her shower one on, helping to give her a shower. Then have her night meds, sometimes read to her, get her to sleep and repeat the process, the next day. That's our marathon. There is no deal for us. Our life is a marathon. I look at the scars and incisions, the x-rays, this is big stuff, that ain't going away, but you won't even bother to mandate him to some sort of treatment when he has an obvious problem. He can feel very fortunate to have you as his prosecutor."

After listening to their take on the situation. Debra and I felt as though we had no choice. We told them to do what they wanted to do. The last thing I told them was, "You don't care about what happened to us, you care about a conviction rate, for the next election." Being a lawyer means you lawyer. You have the integrity to take the chance and make your argument. If you lose, you lose, but at least you get to walk away with your integrity. To make no argument from my perspective is be a coward as far as I was concerned. I asked to be notified at the actual trial so that I can make a victim impact statement. As I hung up the phone, a memory surfaced and I remembered a quote from Viktor Frankl. "When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves." I get it.

Last night we told Michaela about the deal. I was looking at her rub her arm, and the black of her neck brace and remembered the days and nights at the hospital that felt like torture for her. As she responded, she said, "Im mad. I feel helpless. Yes I gave him the keys to my car, but what he did after that was crazy and at that point, I couldn't stop him. I feel paralyzed. I feel like the prosecutor is saying that what happened to me, isn't worth fighting for… look at me… I don't get to walk away from this… I live this every minute of every day now." I felt her words and knew that I was going to have to let her be with her feelings. My responsibility as her dad was not to encourage or discourage them, but to simply be with her and supportive as she was feeling them, with both Debra and I being here for her unconditionally. 

I did share with Michaela my current understanding of, "Who do I go to for a deal." I told her about the prayers, people's hugs, smiles and kindness, our values and principles that we rely on, and most of all the sense and reality of having a Higher Power, that's caring, loving and greater than ourselves. I re-minded her and myself of the unending stream of miracles that have happened and continue to happen to us on a daily basis. I re-minded her that it can feel like, in one day, a million things can go wrong… not our way…, but somehow, because of Love there's also a million things going right.

So back to the cards. I have a sister named Alex… which NOT coincidentally is Michaela's middle name. She pushed me to read the cards and I did. I was carrying the hope in my backpack that I needed the whole time. I'd "Gotten the memo," but up until that moment, I hadn't chosen to "Read the memo." Amount the words from my family, there was one that said, "Keep going, I believe in you." Message received.

I'm reminded of something else that Viktor Frankl said in his book, "Man's Search for Meaning." It goes, "The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” And I get that too. We get to pick, a response and don't just have to react. My personal responsibility is to "Stay in position," and follow the Way of Loving-Kindness and Compassion, and notice the solutions, not just the problems. This is the best life we're ever going to have. We can make good use of it.

LOVE SERVE & REMEMBER,

~Jaye Seiho 淸峰 Morris

Shugyomujo Part Sixteen

On Saturday, after we came home from the Benefit, Michaela was really tired but totally grateful. She was having about every emotion that you could have at the event, and as she said, "It was so powerful, it's hard to comprehend it all." One of the neat things she learned and continues to experience is unconditional love. People wanting to help out, be a part of, totally generous physically, mentally and spiritually.

Michaela's neck healing continues to be the surprise to me. The name of the game is, keeping her head immobilized and allowing the bone graft to take. The neck brace has been doing it's job. We've been getting out more and sometimes walking with her feels a little strange cause people look at her, and I know the honest question is, "I wonder what happened to her?" I don't know what Michaela says to herself mentally, as people look. It's not always my job to know. My responsibility is simply support her and be with her and walk.

The hand continues to be challenging. The swelling has begun to reduce. The motion is really painful for her, but she continues to work at it. Michaela is going to physical therapy today, and that's a huge help for her. She's doing all the exercises and has been really cooperative with it. The pay off has been like tonight when she could touch her thumb to the middle point of her index finger. That's a victory. A week ago, that wasn't happening.

One of the things people have been saying is, "Given everything that's happened to her, I'm amazed that she's home." The response that surfaced in my heart and mind is, if you direct enough force and energy in the right way, you can get something as big and heavy as the space shuttle to lift off the ground and into space. For me, the same can be said for the prayers, meditation, supportive thoughts and healing energy. Soul force has been working for her all the time. The broader view is that, that can be applied to all of us too. She's not the only one.

Another win from the event was discovering someone to be with Michaela in the afternoon, until I get home. Since my health insurance doesn't have an "In home health care," benefit. It's things like that, that add up after while. Not to mention the other million things that come up along the way. I'd had a person in my mind, but thought they weren't available. Turns out the way their schedule was, they could help out, and because of the benefit, I didn't have to hurt myself even more because of the onslaught of bills connected to the crash and hospitalizations, and compensate them a little for their time and energy.  

Bear by the way for you all there, who was so shy at the Benefit when you sang her "Happy Birthday," when I was hanging out with her, was really stoked by the voices that sang to her. She got an amazing surprise last night. One of Debra's friends sent her  a birthday/care package from England. The Baby-Bear was blown away and apparently couldn't stop smiling, based on the pictures Debra texted to me. To that was really cool. The amount of force  directed towards Michaela in this time of crisis and need, can create what's a vacuum in other areas. So that Bear feels both seen and heard is huge.

She and I have been having talks too about forgiveness and what that means, since she's been so angry at the boy who caused the crash. She had been repeating to both us and the counselors at school that she's made that he almost "Killed my sister, look at what's happened to her." My response was, "Have you done things that were wrong that you got in trouble for?" She said, "yeah, everybody has." I asked her, "Did I forgive you?" She said, "Yeah." Then I asked, "How would it have felt to you if I didn't, forgive you?" She said, "Bad." I looked her directly in the eyes and said, "So we forgive… we show mercy that's another kind of love. He will have to take responsibility for his actions, but we don't have to hate him for it, he just needs the consequence for his irresponsibility and more on with his life, in a way we hope is better than before." That's the lesson, I've been repeating to her. It's helped a little. I don't know if it's the "Right," answer, but it's my answer to Bear and I don't want her to carry this around in her 8 year old mind.

The final deal on all of this is that the boy has court today. He's being arraigned in Family Court for his charges. I believe the charges are, Vehicle assault, failure to have insurance, failing to have drivers license, DUI, failure to remain in his lane. Debra and I had spoken with people from the prosecutors office. Surprisingly they didn't have the full story and actually had somehow be lead to believe that Michaela was generally "Okay." I sent them the pictures of her, the car, the problems with his family appearing not to have insurance, and the general reality as we understand it. They are working on it and now realize that the events were far more serious than what it looked like on paper.

When I say, "Every day is my personal episode of discovery channel," I'm not kidding. All kinds of things happen, that I could have never predicted. There's no maps that I can use to get me through this stuff. I have a emotional and spiritual compass. It's my Higher Power… Love, Zen teacher, Sponsor, mentor and amazing stream of friends that includes you. We are in the center of our life, together. Thank you for being in it with me.

~Love Respect and Diligent Effort,

Jaye Seiho 淸峰 Morris

My Experience with A Caring and Supportive Community

Wowzers!

Today's benefit for Michaela was really mind blowing and 100% inspiring. But I feel like I need to talk about the 12 or 15 hours before getting there and sharing in that experience, with so many people.

Last night, I'd gone to Severna Park, for what was a typical "Mission," for me. Helping to support a family member in their recovery and healing process, as they celebrated 365 days of recovery. On the way home, I guess, because I'd finally caught up on sleep, and the things holding my attention temporarily stopped, something shifted for me internally.  

Without the whirlwind around me, and no longer totally focused outside of myself, outside the normal rhythm of spiritual practice, I was fully left with me and my feelings. There was nothing and no-one to hide behind. I called and texted a few people, be there were no responses. There was no way to avoid them and to be honest I didn't want to face them, cause I didn't want to go there, cause sometimes it can be hard making it back out of that kind of emotional quicksand. And then there was nothing but tears. It was like that on and off, until about 10 or 11am this morning.

To help me accept greater responsibility for my feelings, and what was going on, I used my core tool. Zen meditation, so that I could fully see myself, without anything but me and my ego in the way. I literally had to give myself permission to let it go and was glad that I did. My sponsor call it, "Name it and claim it." Some may think or believe that for a guy this is an expression of weakness, but my personal belief and experience it's an expression of strength, cause we are being honest with ourselves with where we are, instead of pretending to be somewhere else.

By the time we headed over to Anne's old store where the benefit was being held, I felt emotionally exhausted but, intact and definitely more in-sync with myself.

Walking in, I'd been reflecting on what I'd read someone wrote saying, "The problem in America is that there's no sense of community." My response to the article was, that they don't know my experience. I bet my entire life on YOU and win, ever single day of my life. the benefit for Michaela, has been the exclamation point or what's been a never-ending story of loving and caring people in my life.

My daughter went down on January 27th. EMT's, nurses and doctors, telling us, consistently and without apology, "We can't believe it and are amazed. Given the circumstances your daughter ought to be dead. This isn't how the story usually goes. It's a miracle." When the unthinkable happened, I did something that most people think is insane. I told the truth. Her car crash was something so big, I knew from the go that I would not be able to "handle" it on my own. I needed the people that I call family in the Twelve Step Fellowship that I spend a lot of time with and my friends in every day life.I opened up and reached out, and  people whether or not they knew Michaela, Bear, Debra or I, reached back without even a second thought, helping to stand us back up, as individuals and as two adults working to co-parent our kids.

Seeing all the faces in Parker Place, We received and gratefully accepted, hug after hug, smile after smile, and encouraging word after encouraging word. People kept saying to me, "You are such a loving guy and this is our opportunity to give back to you, cause you're doing so much for others." I am humbled by that, cause I feel that the same love that is within me, is equally in you and shared with me on a daily basis.

Evidence of that was, during the entire event… more than five hours, there were a ton of people there, and I didn't hear one negative word spoken, and it was totally loving. There was amazing empathy. People related story after story of the "Unthinkable," happening and that they'd somehow gotten through it and were now out on the other side. Personally, I needed to hear that, so I don't get lost in what can seem and feel totally overwhelming.

Michaela was there for nearly the full 5 hours. I'd asked her, "Are you okay? Are you hurting? Are you tired? Do you want to leave?" Her reply was consistently "No." Why? Because the love was so focused and so intense that she literally couldn't feel the hurt, until she returned home.

Bear got a surprise. We'd gotten her a birthday cake to recognize and celebrate her 8th birthday coming up. And it was okay with everyone singing to her, helping to make her heart and mind whole. She's been dealing with some tough stuff in this this experience too. Even though she was uncomfortable at first, the love people had in the room, melted her confusion and sadness, and brought a smile to her face. We did and do this as a community. It's a live and well. I am grateful for every prayer, healing thought, hug, text, phone call and any other way people have reached out. Like I said before, I've bet my life on you and win every single day of my life, whether I'm able to recognize it at the time or not. As "Kim Possible," says. "You rock in stereo." Thank you for being there. You help to keep me sane.

~Love Respect & Incredible Joy

Continuous Practice of The Way

"On the great road of the Buddha (Awakened Heart-Mind) ancestors there is always unsurpassable practice, continuous and sustained. It forms the circle of the way and is never cut off. Between aspiration, practice, enlightenment, and nirvana, there is not a moment’s gap; Continuous Practice is the circle of the way." ~Dogen Zenji

I am really fond of the moment when Genjo Marinello Osho said to us, "Please take care of today." Now I realize, that in order to do that, I must take care of This moment, as best I can.

~Happiness Can Be Today 

Jaye Seiho 淸峰 Morris