Difficult Relationships
Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 8:06AM There are a couple people I interact with that no matter what I say, they are sarcastic and negative. The expressed behavior attack, rip, minimize, devalue, minimize, invalidate, negate, divide and criticize. Though I'd rather not admit it, dealing with them is what I'd describe as a bummer. The bummer factor with me is in that I'm not one of those people thrives on conflict and gets their "batteries," charged from it.
The challenge is, how do we team-up with people who have zero interest in working or cooperating outside their own agenda? How do we dance with people who are frequently hostile or negative? In short, a "possible" answer goes back to what I was talking about yesterday... Living by Vow. So what are the specific vows I'm talking about?
Though some may think vows are a little lofty, vague and abstract, they often find a very clear and concrete point of expression. This is important to learn and experience. If our practice has no real-time practical application, it's useless and should be dropped.
In dealing with people who "seem" to have a knack for conflict, I make the strong effort to notice what is so-called "Right," about that person, rather than see what's wrong in their attitude or behavior. Remember, "What we think about expands." If I think and feel like you are a jerk that what expands for me. If I think and feel that you are a Buddha, carrying awakened mind, that's what expands for me too.
Surely if people can learn to work with and tame lions, tigers, elephants, bears... fear, anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment, depression, then so to with the relationships that we have with other people as well. This effort is easier said than done, but at the same time constantly teaches us a lot about others and ourselves.
What are the vows and policies of mind that we make the effort to live by? How's our relationship with our vow(s) going?
Kosho Uchiyama Roshi once wrote "Only when you live by vow does everything you meet- wherever, whenever, whatever happens- reinforce your life as buddha-dharma. As long as you have that vow to live out your life wherever you are, sooner or later spring will come. And when it does, you will have the strength to grow. This is the life force. You have to thoroughly understand that this is completely different from selfish ambition."
Please give what I'm saying, some feeling and thought. Write back and express your own experiences. In the sharing of our life, we help each other and fulfill our purpose of being.
May Your Life Go Well,
Jaye Seiho Morris, Curator
digitalZENDO
Reader Comments (8)
<p>I think we need to http://www.radicalhappiness.com/choosing-love move beyond ego and notice, accept and ignore judgments. The judgments are there, as are negative thoughts and feelings -- but you don't get involved with them and don't give voice or react to them. I've been working on that, with help from the book "Loving in the Moment," by Gina Lake. It has really helped me be more accepting of everyone in my life AND by realizing other people were speaking and acting out of their own ego, to not act defensively or angrily in return. (I LOVE, by the way, your "policy of caring." I think it's wonderful and giving it a name makes it more real and do-able.)</p>
Often relationships suffer simple because we feel they are not something we actually have to work on, they should just happen automatically. That is NOT the case and what we need to realize is that to strengthen relationships, it takes a bit of applied knowledge which is really not that difficult to make them everything they can be. I like your analogy of how such difficult tasks can be tackled through much work, yet we often struggle with relationships and really don't put anything into them.
Strangely, the deeper I meditate, or am alone with my writing, the more irritating and negative seem the people I meet in daily life. It's as though my skin is thinned by focus and solitude. The Vow you've been talking about is so important! It's like fasting - you can fast for an hour, or you can 'not eat' for an hour. Same thing - but fasting is a conscious vow. I am definitely going to make a vow of calm, loving detachment in my encounters today - I'll try it just today, and then again tomorrow I'll try again.
Liz,
Thank you for sharing on the effort to "Notice, accept and ignore judgements." Simple direct. It's akin to what Miguel Ruiz talks about in the "Four Agreements," when he says, "Don't Take Anything Personally."
I'll be sure to check out Gina Lakes work. I always enjoy exploring the surface of our Heart-Mind.
In Gassho,
~Seiho
Mike,
True is true. There are times that we miss what is obvious… relationships, like everything else needs consistent attention, care and effort. The thought and feeling of struggling, because of neglect is a powerful exclamation point on when we are living in a state of being unmindful. From my angle, it makes practice just that much more important.
With Nine Bows,
~Seiho
Winslow,
Wow, I know this one well. The dust starts to settle within our mind, we begin seeing things as they are and end up feeling more or less out of step or place. The reactions are endless. In those moments, I can taste, touch and feel a narrowing within my being. That's when I have to work to be especially mindful and friendly towards myself, so that I don't harden to the circumstances I'm in, with people.
your vow of "Calm, loving, detachment" is a wonderful reflection of a heart that is truly caring. Just for today, we are learning to change our mind and fully live out our life.
Yours In Zen,
~Seiho
I don't have any answers when it comes to difficult relationships. The only common factor I can see in all of them is me. I find it all too easy to react rather than to act. I have in mind the Taoist idea of wu wei when I say "act". From the Buddhist perspective, I try to arrive at the same place by not clinging (upadana). By letting go of expectations I might have of somebody, by letting go of what I might consider good or bad behaviour. This is not at all easy for me, especially when I see the suffering this person may bring upon him or herself in the future. Or the suffering that this person may be causing in other people in the present. No, I still have not obtained the right balance here. But then, if I had, would I have any conflictive relationships at all?
That is understandable that money can make us free. But how to act when one has no money? The only one way is to get the personal loans and just college loan.